It's a small small tinder world.....

Sometimes I use tinder like a game, I'm not going to lie... Well I'm pretty sure most people at one time or another just go hot, not, hot, not.... Let's face it, it was created to judge other human beings based on their looks and nothing else. It's all fun and games until you shuffle onto someone you know some way or another. Most of the time I randomly stumble onto someone that I know as a customer. There are the ones that you recognize instantly and can't hit no fast enough. Then there are the ones that you sit and flip through pictures and go i know you from somewhere, but where the hell have I seen them before? I had one of those moments at dinner tonight. I randomly landed on this guy...

 So the first couple of pictures I sorted through, I'm like I've seen him before... I couldn't put my finger on it. And then it hits me he's so familiar because I have a picture with him from halloween when I was in college hanging on one of my collage boards....

Brings me back to my good old college days when you randomly took pictures with a guy because he was a doctor and you were a nurse..... Don't we look adorable? Welcome to it's a small, small, tinder world....

G.I Jane or Attachment Barbie?

Anyone who knows, me knows that  I have a Netflix binge addiction. Currently I am rewatching the best years of Grey's Anatomy. That's when I came across the episode where Teddy becomes overly attached to Andrew who is leaving and starts avoiding him because she doesn't want to say goodbye. While I wasn't a huge fan of Teddy she does have one of my favorite lines in the series "I'm not G.I Jane, I'm attachment-Barbie." At some point every girl tries to be that strong self reliant girl, who doesn't need a man for anything other than sex (G.I Jane) but then come to realize that they are in fact attached and have developed much more of a relationship with them than they thought (attachment-Barbie).
I started my online dating crusade months ago in order to find this elusive relationship that I desperately thought I wanted to be in. I wanted to find the perfect guy, that complemented my twisted sarcasm, understood when I wanted my space, and to have amazing sex. It turns out that's my version of Attachment- Barbie. But on the quest I've seemed to have deviated from the intended course. Instead its about 3 months later and I've reverted back to G.I Jane... the girl who no matter how hard she tries can't seem to find the guy that she wants to be attached to. While yes Mr. Cocky was a fun detour on the road to Mr. Perfect.. we didn't have a whole heck of alot in common besides the fact that we had a lot of sex. We tried too hard to make conversations, I pretended to like things that I didn't and made jokes he didn't understand. There wasn't the same level of investment in the relationship: let's say I had little to no investment and well he was attachment-Barbie. That's when you know its time to cut him loose, and start the quest again. So here's to another week of perverts, weirdos, and oddballs...

Questions A Cashier Should Never Ask!

Having worked in Customer Service for years now, it never ceases to amaze me what people will say. In this case,  I'm actually not talking about the customers. Last night, I walked into a store to pick up a couple of things.  It was about 9 o'clock so there was one cashier and a line about 4 people. I awkwardly fidgeted with my phone trying to waste time. The line moved pretty quickly we were finally up to the person in front of me. The woman hand over a box to the cashier, he grabs the box examines it and scans the product. Then I hear "So are you hoping it's positive or negative?" The poor woman stands there for a moment looking like she wants to curl up into a ball and die. "Well usually, I can tell how you want it to go, But I can't tell from your face." All while animating his face to show what people look like when they are purchasing pregnancy tests. She awkwardly shifts her feet again mumbles negative and swipes her card hoping to finish the transaction. He hands over the box and the receipt sans bag and says "Hope its negative for ya!" I walked up to the register avoiding eye contact and handed over my snacks and aspirin, I didn't want to hear his opinions on my shopping choices. 
Probably would have gotten some advice about not eating after 7.... In what world did this guy think it was okay to question a poor woman about her preference on a pregnancy test???? She is probably terrified more than anything and you just made it 500 times worse by calling attention to it. Anyone who has ever cashiered knows in the cases of pregnancy tests, condoms, and lube you just ring up the product, don't make eye contact and softly tell them the total making sure to quickly place the product in the bag so no one can see. I hope to god that poor woman takes the survey about the service she received because that cashier probably needs to learn where to draw the lines of conversation. Oy! the things you overhear in a store.... 

Bang, Bang, Creak, Crack, Broke

From the first night I spent with Mr. Cocky it was all about the sex. And I know what you're probably thinking thats always what guys want, they just want a good booty call. Well ladies... you're wrong it wasn't what he wanted it was all about me and what I wanted. That Friday morning, I woke up ready to conquer a busy/ long day at work: full of panel interviews, organizing and setting up for a charity event at a local brewery. Yes my job included a fun-filled day raising money at a brewery open house, but that wasn't what was playing over and over in my mind for the day. I was counting down the minutes until I could get home and under those sheets. Six times the night before, could make a girl antsy for an encore. Let's just say the day was full of sexy texts and anticipation.  Fast Forward through the work day and straight to when I got home. At this point, I've already decided what I want and it's not a meaningful conversation.... I texted him to get his ass over time my apartment, showered quickly and changed into some skimpy underwear and a robe. 

The festivities start off the minute he walks through the door. The passion, the haste, the groping, the touching all in the heat of the moment. But let's skip over the intimate details to the real point of this story. Is it only me or do you think about the neighbors can hear when having sex? Ever so I often I forget that they're there, until I can hear them talking or their TV on. The first night I had completely forgotten that they existed, but after our first round I felt instantly self conscious that my neighbors could hear the whole nights festivities through the wall. Especially the bang, bang, bang against their living room wall. So I had this ingenious idea to move the bed farther away from the wall. Determined to quiet the night, I kicked his ass out of bed and moved the bed frame about 6 inches from the wall to stop the frame from knocking against the wall while we were knocking boots. 

We hoped back into bed, ready to go again we kissed and joked as he relaxed and leaned farther back against the bed frame. Things got hot and heavy all until you heard a loud crack and felt a slow motion descend towards the ground. That meant toppling over into the frame and laughing uncontrollably. I hoped out of bed only to see discover the frame had literally broken. Apparently the bed needed the stability of the wall to support all of the nights activities. Let's just say that's night fun cost me 5 days of sleeping on my mattress in my living room. Nothing makes an apartment feel like a cheap brothel like a mattress in the living room..... But that was only day two of our sexcapade.. So don't forget to tune back for more of my bed breaking three week hiatus. 

Where In The World Is Carmen Sandiego?

Where in the world have I been for the last couple of weeks? It wasn't anywhere exciting, it was mostly in my apartment, but I had been busy with a certain someone. So we have to start off with a recap from my last post. That thursday was an interesting day. I had coffee with Mr. Nurse, oh my god was that awkward... We had nothing to talk about and I also wasn't attracted to him in the least. So we fast forward about 5 hours to the second first date of the day. Usually I wouldn't double book, it always seems so cliche and trashy but WHAT THE HELL? I'm young, right? So for date two I had take out in my apartment with another guy that I met, who we actually share mutual friends. So after chatting with him he didn't seem to be a stalker so I let him come to my apartment. We started watching a movie, and of course things get a little handsy... Until the moment when i was unbuttoning his shirt and I started laughing hysterically. To fully understand why you have to rewind to earlier in the day where he talked a big game about his looks, and how perfect he was, and his big.... feet. I spent a good twenty minutes telling him he was in love with himself and that he was quite cocky and talked a big game, that he probably couldn't live up to. So fast forward back to the unbuttoning of the shirt... where I see an undershirt that has a silhouette of him on. I don't ever think I've laughed so hard in my life. He still swears to this day that he didn't wear that shirt on purpose and I'm still calling bullshit. At first I would have thought that shirt would have been a cock block but moral of the night ended up being that laughter and sex combo.. makes for some damn good sex. And he may have been right about a couple things.. he has a nice beard and veryyyy big feet if you know what I mean? So that's the story of my first night with Mr. Cocky. You'll just have to wait to hear about the rest of the three weeks. I'm back and ready to tell it all..... Look forward to my next post about my broken bed.

Coffee, Coffee, Coffee

I'm pretty sure that I've mentioned Mr. Nurse before in a post from last week, well maybe I didn't name him in my previous post. So here's the scoop I've been talking on and off with Mr. Nurse for a few weeks now. He's super busy schedule which never seems to match up right with mine, usually meant we played message tag and never really had full on conversation. The other night he took the plunge and asked me out to coffee on thursday. I've been avoiding make a full commitment to the coffee date. Something about him, just doesn't do it for me. Some of you are going to tell me that I am crazy when I start actually describing him. So Mr. Nurse is graduating from Yale and works At Yale New Haven Hospital for those of you who don't know what that is it's an Ivy league school/ teaching program with a nurse degree. (WOW Factor) He's super athletic and loves to go hiking and take outdoor trips. He's extremely nice and hard working and ambitious. All of which are categories that end up on my checklist. But even though he passes with high marks something about him, just doesn't give me butterflies, or even make me excited to go for coffee.  

I don't know what it is that turns me off, it could be because he's on the shorter side. Well he's my height(midget sized) which by my dating standards too short. I have a thing guys that are tall/ well at least taller than me. He also doesn't have the ability to grow a beard, which is a must. I am such a sap for good facial hair. This all sounds so vapid and superficial when I start listing. I also don't feel the connection. I don't wait for a message, or really feel the need to answer right away. It all just feels like I should just say no and not have to have the awkward this isn't going to work out conversation. Because whats worse than an awkward first date, having to explain that you thought the first date was awkward while they thought it was normal.

So my question is Coffee or No Coffee? 

Someone make a decision for me or I'm flipping a coin....

Celibate Saturday

DISCLAIMER: this post could border line too much information or a little risqué for your taste. If that's the case feel free to check back tomorrow for a new blog post a little less about sex.





I touched a little bit upon my favorite subject yesterday.... Sexting. For those of you who know me know that I will talk about anything and everything including sex. It's not one of those things that I find to be extremely private or feel like I have to hide from the world. Let's face it almost everyone has sex, so why would I be ashamed to talk about it? But I completely understand that not everyone thinks that way, for some it is extremely intimate and personal and something they in no way feel comfortable to talk about. Which is fine, and then there are the other girls only feel comfortable talking it through with their closest girlfriends, well you tell them everything right? And then there's me over here, who if you start the right conversation will tell you anything you want to know. 

I wasn't always like that though. It was like an evolution in life: you start out with the bad sex that you think is good, just because there is no comparison. That's the sex no one wants to talk about unless you are just saying yay we have sex. Then over time you progress into better sex with different sex partners. Sexual evolution takes over, you're willing to try new things and explore different options, sex is better than ever. That's the kind of sex that you describe to your girlfriends.  You've reached the point that you are comfortable talking about positions and details. You start to feel like you truly know what you're doing. And there's the point in your life when you know what you want, and what you like and if you're confident and outgoing you'll talk about it if the right person asks. (I say right person because you're not going to tell every creeper on the street) 

Now everyone by now knows that I have made my way into the online dating world. That does come without its own group of creepers/ overly forward guys. Most of them all ask the same questions: what are you wearing? Why haven't we had sex yet? Let's bang? What are you doing tonight, I hope it involves my bed? Most of the time unless I'm really bored I won't answer any of those questions. Let's face talking about my clothes, my underwear, or lack there of doesn't really come off as sexy. Descriptions unless you are a smutty romance novelist doesn't do it for me. Now 9 out of 10 times if you were to respond to these questions you would end up with a standard answer of oh that's hot! Really makes you want to put in the work and be creative huh? Then there's the other three sets of questions about when we are going to have sex. I get your just trying to get laid, but there are clearly better ways to do it, and here's a hint those questions are probably the reason you aren't getting laid....

<----Exhibit A would be this lovely conversation: so I got this message a couple weeks ago, and he caught me at a point when I was cranky tired. So I had a little snarky response. But after my witty comebacks I decided to take a chance and ask him if that line ever worked? His response at first was that it was his first time trying this line. Just a reminder I was snarky tired of course I responded with I'm more likely to believe that you are a virgin than that you've never tried that line before. That little zinger, apparently worked its magic... It wasn't his first time and he had never actually had it work. So I let him on a little secret, you want talk about sex just be honest about sex. 

There's something that is extremely sexy about talking about sex! Not talking dirty, oh put that there, smack me... Blah blah blah. That all has a time and place, but actually talking about sex. Some of the best sex conversations are talking about what you like and how you like. Why can't a sex conversation start off with where's the most public place you've had sex? There are points awarded for creativity, most likely it would end up with an actual intriguing conversation about sex. And I could be completely wrong, but at least to me talking about sex is way sexier than any fake Sexting. Those are the conversations that you carry on for hours and can be completely turned on because it's talking about what you know, your sex history and preferences. Who doesn't want to hear about how you actually like it or how you want it. But hey that's just me! I know that I am an extremely secure and forward person who doesn't represent a majority of the female population. I get told that all the time, " you really aren't like any other girl". But that's the way I like it.