Cocktails First. Questions Later.

After a few months of blogging hiatus and plenty of awkward life moments, I'm sitting here trying to figure out what story says this is why you've missed me for 5 months. There's the penis story.. or the awkward I know you story.. or hey hottie i've been crushing on you since high school. But yeah I thought I'd start off with the swingers......  

So first things first, DISCLAIMER: DO NOT DRINK and Tinder (Even if it is just a wine buzz before bed).  The label on the bottle that tells you that alcohol can inhibit judgement, not just there to fill marketing space on the bottle. WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT?  Many a nights, I've opened some wine and made some less than stellar tinder choices. Only to wake up in the morning and go... OH GOD, did I really say that and then even worse take a better look at the lucky fellow who got to talk to drunk ole me. Let me tell you they are not as good looking as I thought they were last night.. Okay that's me being nice they might as well be a gremlin. And we all know the rules of Gremlins,  remember  1. Don't expose them to bright lights  2. Don't get them wet and 3. No matter how much they beg don't feed them after midnight....  NOTHING GOOD EVER HAPPENS AFTER MIDNIGHT

My favorite Tinder mistake happened only a few weeks ago... I'm drinking some wine in bed watching some trashy tv and playing tinder like its a game.. So the usual. I happen across a fairly attractive guy and swipe right. His picture has a girl in it whatever, a lot of pictures have guys because most of my friends are guys. Can't Judge. 

So first mistake: didn't look at all of his pictures... the first clue would have been that they all had the same girl in them. 

Second Mistake: being too superficial to read his caption.. because I really didn't care about:  "KCCO Keep Calm and CHIVE ON" the standard dude's caption

Third Mistake: responding to the tinder chats without checking the two things listed above. 

So you might be guessing where this is going, I clearly didn't.. We're chatting about superficial things. Like what do you do for fun, what do you like, where do you like to grab drinks. And then the bomb drops... "so we think you are a really cool girl would you be interested in grabbing drinks with us to talk about our arrangement." Umm... arrangement? Does he think I'm a prostitute and has this weird thing planned with his buddies... So I'm sitting there going do I respond? Slightly growing in anger  by the  nerve of this creep.  I open up his picture again wanting to get a better look at him and read the caption on the bottom of his profile. OPPPSSS..... "A fun loving couple. Looking to find someone who likes to have fun. Let's have drinks and feel each other out." I'm not sure if that was more awkward to me than the idea that I'm a hooker... but let's just say I unmatched that pair real quick.

Oh hey.. I'm BACK!

My poor little BLOG took a nose dive last May when my apartment was broken into and my laptop was stolen.. Womp Womp.. It was nearly impossible to type up a whole post on my iPad. Maybe not impossible but quite infuriating and grammatically incorrect. So I did a whole 6 months of the whole no TV or laptop thing before I finally gave in and ordered my MacBook from the shiny remodeled Apple Store. So here we are 5 months later... I'm still a Single, Sassy, Twenty Something. I've had a great run over the last couple of months and time seemed to fly by in the matter moments.  I've got months of creeps, losers, and awkward moments coming your way. So sit back, relax and be ready to laugh your butt off at the irony of my life.

My LIFE IS COMING YOUR WAY IN 3....2.....1

Oh SNAP!

Oh Snapchat, you little devil, how can I love you and hate you so? A fun little app that can be a relationship starter or ender depending..  a trouble maker, a flirt, a tease, and always a whole lot of fun. But yet I have developed this love hate relationship with you. I used to never use the app, my original views on it included that it was a stupid little app that had no real purpose.  If I was willing to send a picture I shouldn't care if you could save it or not. Well surprise.. surprise.. I succumbed to that little fad. Starting off with sending those naughty little photos that are even more of a tease in 10 second increments. Then I started using it anytime I was sending any photo to anyone, because well who doesn't love snapchat. But now I've come to this conclusion that snapchat has ruined my sex life as of late. I have more and more snapchats in my inbox and less and less person to person.. well you get the picture. And don't get me wrong I get the reasoning: why do we have to have a person to person exchange when you can get by with sending pictures back and forth and not interrupting your busy schedule. But I don't know if its just me but the more we integrate technology into our relationships the less we actually need the people we talk to. That's just me feeling celibate and self righteous for the day. Because we all know tomorrow I won't be deleting snapchat... I've got that addiction just like everyone else.

It's a small small tinder world.....

Sometimes I use tinder like a game, I'm not going to lie... Well I'm pretty sure most people at one time or another just go hot, not, hot, not.... Let's face it, it was created to judge other human beings based on their looks and nothing else. It's all fun and games until you shuffle onto someone you know some way or another. Most of the time I randomly stumble onto someone that I know as a customer. There are the ones that you recognize instantly and can't hit no fast enough. Then there are the ones that you sit and flip through pictures and go i know you from somewhere, but where the hell have I seen them before? I had one of those moments at dinner tonight. I randomly landed on this guy...

 So the first couple of pictures I sorted through, I'm like I've seen him before... I couldn't put my finger on it. And then it hits me he's so familiar because I have a picture with him from halloween when I was in college hanging on one of my collage boards....

Brings me back to my good old college days when you randomly took pictures with a guy because he was a doctor and you were a nurse..... Don't we look adorable? Welcome to it's a small, small, tinder world....

G.I Jane or Attachment Barbie?

Anyone who knows, me knows that  I have a Netflix binge addiction. Currently I am rewatching the best years of Grey's Anatomy. That's when I came across the episode where Teddy becomes overly attached to Andrew who is leaving and starts avoiding him because she doesn't want to say goodbye. While I wasn't a huge fan of Teddy she does have one of my favorite lines in the series "I'm not G.I Jane, I'm attachment-Barbie." At some point every girl tries to be that strong self reliant girl, who doesn't need a man for anything other than sex (G.I Jane) but then come to realize that they are in fact attached and have developed much more of a relationship with them than they thought (attachment-Barbie).
I started my online dating crusade months ago in order to find this elusive relationship that I desperately thought I wanted to be in. I wanted to find the perfect guy, that complemented my twisted sarcasm, understood when I wanted my space, and to have amazing sex. It turns out that's my version of Attachment- Barbie. But on the quest I've seemed to have deviated from the intended course. Instead its about 3 months later and I've reverted back to G.I Jane... the girl who no matter how hard she tries can't seem to find the guy that she wants to be attached to. While yes Mr. Cocky was a fun detour on the road to Mr. Perfect.. we didn't have a whole heck of alot in common besides the fact that we had a lot of sex. We tried too hard to make conversations, I pretended to like things that I didn't and made jokes he didn't understand. There wasn't the same level of investment in the relationship: let's say I had little to no investment and well he was attachment-Barbie. That's when you know its time to cut him loose, and start the quest again. So here's to another week of perverts, weirdos, and oddballs...

Questions A Cashier Should Never Ask!

Having worked in Customer Service for years now, it never ceases to amaze me what people will say. In this case,  I'm actually not talking about the customers. Last night, I walked into a store to pick up a couple of things.  It was about 9 o'clock so there was one cashier and a line about 4 people. I awkwardly fidgeted with my phone trying to waste time. The line moved pretty quickly we were finally up to the person in front of me. The woman hand over a box to the cashier, he grabs the box examines it and scans the product. Then I hear "So are you hoping it's positive or negative?" The poor woman stands there for a moment looking like she wants to curl up into a ball and die. "Well usually, I can tell how you want it to go, But I can't tell from your face." All while animating his face to show what people look like when they are purchasing pregnancy tests. She awkwardly shifts her feet again mumbles negative and swipes her card hoping to finish the transaction. He hands over the box and the receipt sans bag and says "Hope its negative for ya!" I walked up to the register avoiding eye contact and handed over my snacks and aspirin, I didn't want to hear his opinions on my shopping choices. 
Probably would have gotten some advice about not eating after 7.... In what world did this guy think it was okay to question a poor woman about her preference on a pregnancy test???? She is probably terrified more than anything and you just made it 500 times worse by calling attention to it. Anyone who has ever cashiered knows in the cases of pregnancy tests, condoms, and lube you just ring up the product, don't make eye contact and softly tell them the total making sure to quickly place the product in the bag so no one can see. I hope to god that poor woman takes the survey about the service she received because that cashier probably needs to learn where to draw the lines of conversation. Oy! the things you overhear in a store.... 

Bang, Bang, Creak, Crack, Broke

From the first night I spent with Mr. Cocky it was all about the sex. And I know what you're probably thinking thats always what guys want, they just want a good booty call. Well ladies... you're wrong it wasn't what he wanted it was all about me and what I wanted. That Friday morning, I woke up ready to conquer a busy/ long day at work: full of panel interviews, organizing and setting up for a charity event at a local brewery. Yes my job included a fun-filled day raising money at a brewery open house, but that wasn't what was playing over and over in my mind for the day. I was counting down the minutes until I could get home and under those sheets. Six times the night before, could make a girl antsy for an encore. Let's just say the day was full of sexy texts and anticipation.  Fast Forward through the work day and straight to when I got home. At this point, I've already decided what I want and it's not a meaningful conversation.... I texted him to get his ass over time my apartment, showered quickly and changed into some skimpy underwear and a robe. 

The festivities start off the minute he walks through the door. The passion, the haste, the groping, the touching all in the heat of the moment. But let's skip over the intimate details to the real point of this story. Is it only me or do you think about the neighbors can hear when having sex? Ever so I often I forget that they're there, until I can hear them talking or their TV on. The first night I had completely forgotten that they existed, but after our first round I felt instantly self conscious that my neighbors could hear the whole nights festivities through the wall. Especially the bang, bang, bang against their living room wall. So I had this ingenious idea to move the bed farther away from the wall. Determined to quiet the night, I kicked his ass out of bed and moved the bed frame about 6 inches from the wall to stop the frame from knocking against the wall while we were knocking boots. 

We hoped back into bed, ready to go again we kissed and joked as he relaxed and leaned farther back against the bed frame. Things got hot and heavy all until you heard a loud crack and felt a slow motion descend towards the ground. That meant toppling over into the frame and laughing uncontrollably. I hoped out of bed only to see discover the frame had literally broken. Apparently the bed needed the stability of the wall to support all of the nights activities. Let's just say that's night fun cost me 5 days of sleeping on my mattress in my living room. Nothing makes an apartment feel like a cheap brothel like a mattress in the living room..... But that was only day two of our sexcapade.. So don't forget to tune back for more of my bed breaking three week hiatus.