If you're anything like me, when you first started online dating there was this sense of anxious euphoria everytime that you heard the little ping notification coming from your phone. There would be the awkward jostle to get your phone out as quickly as possible, checking instantly to see if he was dreamy and perfect in everyway. You open the profile to get a sneak peak at him.. and low and behold he's not dreamy at all. But you want to give him a little bit of chance so you half-heartedly open his message and you read this....
Why Mr. Dreamboat, Just Why? I sit here thinking where to begin dissecting this joke of a message. What the hell why not just start with the best part... ohhh his sweeping proclamation of love for girls with curves. What girl who isn't a size 0-2 doesn't want to hear how much you love the parts of their body that they hate most.... Does this guy know anything about women? Every girl at least the ones I know hate their curves. Well unless she is supermodel with perfect curves who hasn't discovered what its like to have cellulite on her butt. Okay so while I wasn't all that fond of that comment, the part that annoyed me more was that the whole last half sounds like a thirteen year old girl had written it. What self respecting man says the word effing and adds 5 sssssss to the end of gorgeous. I can't even bring myself to do it and I'm a 23 year old woman. At any point did he think this message was going to get him laid? Come on, while it's great that you have a full time job, and own a home, and not one but two cars is it really all that necessary for you to spam my inbox with your vague life history. Did you know that janitors are employed full-time and that I know a guy with 8 cars none of which run... Let's be serious here if you are trying to brag about what you think your life savings is worth it's not really going to help you out when you sound like you haven't quite reached puberty yet. But we haven't gotten to the real draw, the jet skis.......oh the jet skis. I can't lie there was a 20 second window where I contemplated messaging him back. Come on, it's jet skis! But then it all flashed before my eyes.
I'd be over here riding the jet skis, look at how much fun I'm having! And right there behind me that's my sex life sinking as fast as the titanic. Because there is no way that I would be able to pretend to have any sexual interest in a guy that calls me gorgeuosssss and just loves a girl with curves!!! Could I give up sex for a summer full of riding out in the water on jet skis? Okay, Maybe... Oh wait NOPE it's the dead of winter and I'd have to keep that charade up for 5 months before I got anything out of it. That's it Mr. Dreamboat just got added to the pile declined messages, right next to the creeper with the a foot fetish, But that's a story for another day.
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